


the devil in   him

by renegxde



Category: Original Work, Shawn Mendes (Musician)
Genre: Altars, Angst, Bad Boys, Beating, Blood and Violence, Blushing, Boys Kissing, Broken Bones, Catholic Guilt, Choirboy, Churches & Cathedrals, Crying, Eventual Smut, Falling In Love, Gangs, Gay, Gay Character, Gay Male Character, Gay Sex, Graphic Violence, Guilt, Hate Crimes, Heavy Angst, Heterochromia, Hospitalization, Internal Conflict, Internalized Homophobia, Knives, Leather Jackets, M/M, Making Out, Male Homosexuality, Masturbation, Mutual Masturbation, Non-Explicit Sex, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pining, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Prayer, Priests, Religion, Religious Guilt, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Smoking, Temptation, VERY HEAVY ON THE INTERNALISED HOMOPHOBIA, cursing, praying, the violence isn't /graphic/ but better safe than sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-24
Updated: 2018-11-07
Packaged: 2019-01-04 20:07:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 10,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12175725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/renegxde/pseuds/renegxde
Summary: Shawn is a good kid. He respects his parents, goes to church every Sunday, prays for world peace and sings in the local choir.Shawn knows it is wrong to love a man, his church and parents have always told him so.Enter Dev, the leader of the neighbourhood‘s most notorious gang...or"i want to criticise religious beliefs that justify homophobia and do this through fanfic"please check tags/notes of each chapter for triggers





	1. forgive me, father

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **trigger warning:** internalised homophobia

Shawn had to walk through their territory to go to church. Every evening he would walk the empty streets with the Devils on his heels. They never hurt him, or were mean to him, they just... teased him, endlessly. They'd smile at him, ruffle his curly hair and tell him jokes. Shawn would glance at him, he'd take in the combat boots, drink in the painted on skinny jeans and marvel at the black leather jacket he always wore. He'd look into his eyes, blushing at his own thoughts before pushing through and almost running to the church.

_Forgive me Father, for I have sinned._

He'd sing the requiems and he'd blush at the praise he received. He'd go to confession, he'd pour his heart out to Father Bernadino but he never mentioned to him the sparkling eyes that haunted his dreams and turned his skin hot and feverish. He never told the old priest about the curling heat Shawn felt when he smirked at him. Shawn walked out of the small church after choir practice and made his way home. His heart pounding, blood rushing in his ears and throat dry as a desert he hoped against hope he wouldn't see him again. Yet he wanted to see him again,  _desperately_  so.

They were waiting for Shawn. Somedays it almost seemed as though they were taunting him just so the sparkly eyed boy would show some kind of emotion. They were almost affectionate with Shawn, almost treating him like a brother, and yet, they'd tease him. They teased him good naturedly, something he could never wrap his head around. They were nice to him, in fact they were the closest thing he had to "friends". The boy would say a raspy "Enough." And they would stop. They'd always pat him on the back, wink at him, murmur a "See ya tomorrow angelboy." And grin a friendly smile before turning away and following their leader.

_Forgive me Father, for I shall sin._

Shawn walked home, every word the Devils had said to him burned into his brain. Sometimes he loathed them. And yet, he knew they, for whatever reason liked him. Really, so did he.

He said grace at dinner and he washed the dishes. He prayed before slipping under his covers.

He was lying in bed. The sound of combat boots against asphalt in his ears and the smell of leather in his nose he closed his eyes. His hand crept into his pyjama bottoms and he whimpered as he stroked himself. He should be thinking about a nice girl, from a good Christian family. Instead he was thinking about a devil eyed boy with a lopsided smirk and a leather jacket. He moaned into his fist as he replayed the boy licking his lips with a sinfully pink tongue.

_Forgive me Father, for I am a sinner._


	2. give me strength, father

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **trigger warning:** internalised homophobia

The Devils only accompanied him sometimes, but as the neighbourhood got rougher, his "protectors" grew more vigilant and started accompanying him daily. When a violent string of murders shook the neighbourhood Shawn couldn't help but be glad for the Devils' constant teasing on his way to church. They seemed to stay closer to him, making less jokes and openly fiddling with their knives. He couldn't help but wonder if they wanted to protect him. He squashed the hopeful whisper that the devil eyed boy wanted him to be safe. They walked him right to the church doors, daring each other to go inside.

"Hey Dev, I dare you go to confession," Randy said. His devil eyed - no,  _the_  devil eyed boy -only took a lazy drag from his cigarette before rasping, "Can't, I'd catch fire."

The gang laughed and Shawn looked at the leader, curiosity gnawing at him. He quickly averted his eyes when the devil eyes focused on him.

Shawn blushed at the intensity of the eye contact, biting his lip as he quickly turned away and rushed up the stairs of the church.

Father Bernadino scolded him when he sang off key at practice, shooting him a worried glance.

But he didn't know. He didn't know that Shawn felt demons crawling over his body, felt like his sins were tattooed into his skin. He didn't know Shawn cried, hot salty tears into his pillow as he came, fist furiously pumping and a devil's smirk in his mind's eye. The priest didn't know that Shawn's soul was tainted, that he was unworthy of singing in the church choir.

After practice the priest pulled him aside. He wanted to have a word with him, to check he was okay. "You weren't concentrating the way you usually do, my boy, not even when we sang your favourite song."

Shawn could only shake his head, mutter that he was alright and try muster a hopefully convincing smile.

He left the church, the heavy door falling shut behind him as he zipped up his jacket against the misty cold of autumn. He was the last to leave. When he saw Dev waiting at the bottom of the stairs, feet propped against the statue of the Virgin Mary, he was glad he was last. If anyone saw the leader of the Devils, waiting for him he'd not survive the consequences.

Dev lifted his gaze as he heard the door close, eyes roaming over Shawn. He smirked when he focused on the bible Shawn was clutching to his chest like a talisman - as if the word of God could protect him from the utter sin that Dev embodied. God, however, seemed unable to ward off the destruction the devil's eyes promised.

"Took you long enough angelboy, they make you chug holy water for hanging out with us or what?" The rasp of Dev's voice glided over Shawn's skin. Shawn shivered as he lost himself in the piercing gaze. While Dev's right eye was impenetrable, a brown so dark it was practically black, his left was a ghostly blue. Thanks to Wikipedia, Shawn knew this was called heterochromia. It was a rare condition that he'd read about in the quiet of his room at night. It had fascinated him. Looking into Dev's eyes, it left him in awe.

Shawn realised he was staring when Dev's smirk grew lopsided. He cleared his throat before asking, "Where's everyone else?"

"I wanted to be alone with you." Dev shrugged as he took another drag from his cigarette. Shawn couldn't help the blush that spread on his cheeks at the words.

"God, you really like blushing eh?" Dev smirked.

"I only blush around you," Shawn answered, his eyes widening when Dev all but grinned at him. He'd never meant for the sentence to possess a sexual undertone. His cheeks were stained red and blotchy. Mercifully, Dev changed the subject as they started walking towards Shawn's house.

"So what d'you do in there anyway? Ritual self-flagellation?" Dev asked, the curiosity in his voice seeming to be genuine.

" _Just_  choir practice," Shawn mumbled, fingers cramping on the spine of his Bible.

"You sing?" The surprise in the devil eyed boy's voice made a smile tug at Shawn's lips. He nodded his head.

"Do I get a demo?" the boy asked, cigarette dangling from his lips.

"Uhm, I don't..." Shawn tried to find the words, stuttering and blushing yet again.

"Come on Singerboy, payment for me walking that sweet ass of yours home." Dev winked. Shawn could barely contain a squeak at the devil's words. Dev made a few more lewd jokes before Shawn finally stuttered an  _okay._ As he sang his favourite song for the odd eyed boy he felt himself relax. Dev remained quiet, well after Shawn finished the last note. They were almost at his house and Shawn had grown nervous with the silence hanging between them. They reached his house, Shawn stopped in front of the white picket fence gate and turned back to the devil eyed boy.

Dev lit another cigarette, blew the smoke out and turned back to face Shawn.

"You got quite a voice, Angelface. Cute boy sings like a fuckin' angel for you basically makes your day eh?" Dev smirked when Shawn looked at his shoes, a little embarrassed at the praise.

"Thank you. And thank you for walking me home." He said, opening the gate and putting some distance between him and the gang leader.

"Anytime Angelface, anytime." Dev turned around and waved before disappearing into the creeping dark of night.

Shawn touched the silver cross dangling from a chain around his neck.

_Oh Lord, give me strength to resist the Devil. For I fear I have none of my own._


	3. bless me, father

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **trigger warning:** internalised homophobia

Shawn stayed behind after choir practice. He knew Dev was waiting for him outside as the devil boy had made a habit of it during the past few weeks. Shawn shook his head to get the boy out of his mind. Shawn dipped his fingers into the holy water, turned around to face the cross hanging over the altar. He closed his eyes, Dev's eyes burned into the inside of his eyelids and crossed himself. He walked down the main aisle of the church. He kept hearing Dev's rasp in his ear, kept hearing the demon whispering into his ear. His eyes were fixed on the figure Christ on the cross. He averted his eyes, he couldn't look at Christ, he didn't deserve to look at his saviour. He was tainted with lust, he knew his soul was etched in darkness, dipped in sin and wholly unworthy of praying to God.

 

_Our Father who art in Heaven,_

_hallowed be thy Name,_

_thy kingdom come,_

_thy will be done_

_on earth as it is in Heaven_

 

Dev's eyes were carved into his memory. Maybe he was imagining the way they'd seemed to undress Shawn. Maybe he'd simply let his awful, awful thoughts get the better of him. Maybe he needed to atone for his sins in harsher ways. He made a mental note to ask Father Bernadino for bible camps to go to over the summer. His skin itched where his shirt rubbed against his bare body. His heart thumped against his ribs as he remembered the firm grip of Dev's hand on his arm when Shawn had slipped on a patch of ice the other night. He stifled a gasp as he thought about the warmth radiating from the devil boy's body.

 

_Give us this day our daily bread_

_And forgive us our trespasses,_

_as we forgive those_

_who trespass against us._

 

His feet carried him to the side chapel dedicated to St. Justina. The painting, depicting her praying to the Lord as the demons tried to tempt her into lusting after a suitor she'd refused, was lit by candles. The scene was so tender; the despair in St. Justina's eyes was pure agony.  _She_ 'd warded off  _her_  demons, God had answered  _her_  prayers, he'd provided  _her_  with strength to overcome  _her_ lust. Shawn looked at St. Justina. Her certainty that the Lord would help her, guide her through the darkness ripped a sob from Shawn's chest. He felt his legs give out, felt the hard stone bruising his knees, felt the cold creeping into his body. His shoulders sagged as the tears rolled down his cheeks. He blindly reached for the silver cross around his neck. The cool metal burned against his palm. His world narrowed to the stone under his knees and the cold in his bones.

A hand touched his shoulder, searing his skin. He choked down his sob; Father Bernadino must have worried about him.

"Shawn?" The raspy voice ripped a moan of despair from Shawn. He jerked away from the hand, scrabbling to his feet before turning around. The odd eyes of the beautiful boy standing in front of him looked at him, pain and worry in them. Shawn backed away from Dev. He had to put distance between them. He rubbed a hand under his nose, sniffled and blinked to clear the tears from them.

"Please stay away from me? Please just. Go away," he breathed. The pleading tone in his voice pathetic to his own ears. Dev made a hesitant step towards him.

"Why're you crying, Sugar?" The nickname ripped a sob from Shawn's throat. He remembered when Dev had first called him Sugar. He remembered the warm feeling that had built in his chest with shame. Dev had smiled openly for the first time. It was a private smile, one meant only for Shawn to see. He'd felt the air being punched out of his lungs. Shawn had stared at Dev as the devil boy's eyes had crinkled. His breath had hitched when Dev's finger had gently twisted an unruly curl out of Shawn's face. Dev had whispered, "Those brown eyes, so innocent. Sweet like sugar."

Shawn had blushed and averted his eyes. He had felt the praise warming him so thoroughly he'd thought he'd never be cold again.

Guilt and shame swirled in Shawn as he remembered the way he'd smiled back at Dev, shy and quiet but a smile nonetheless.

"Please leave me alone," Shawn gasped as he backed away from Dev. He registered hitting a wall in the back of his mind.  _Trapped_. The cold church wall against his back was the only thing that kept him from falling to his knees again. Dev took another step towards him.

 

_And lead us not into temptation,_

_but deliver us from evil._

 

"Talk to me Singerboy. What's - what's wrong?" Dev's rasp sounded throatier to Shawn's ears, as if the devil boy was in pain.

"I can't. I can't like you. It's a sin. It's wrong. It's -" Shawn hiccupped as fresh tears fell from his swollen eyes.

Dev seemed rooted to the spot. His jaw was a bit slack. His eyes, wide in shock, closed for an instant. When he opened them again, they held a determination that made Shawn shiver. The devil boy crossed the remaining meters separating him from Shawn and pressed his hands to Shawn's cheeks, making it impossible for the weeping boy to not look up at Dev. The boy's odd eyes peered into Shawn's as he whispered, his raspy voice was heavy with emotion.

"Is it really wrong to care about someone? Is it a sin to want them to be happy? To feel like your whole life you've been waiting for that one person to make you feel at home? Is it wrong to want to belong to someone? Is it- is it so freaking wrong to love you?" Dev whispered, his forehead pressed against Shawn. His voice barely audible over Shawn's hiccupping sobs.

"You're a- you're a  _man_. I can't. It's not supposed to be. It's a sin," Shawn muttered, eyes downcast, staring at Dev's combat boots. He felt Dev's gentle fingers tilting his chin up. He felt loving fingers tangling in his hair.

He felt soft lips barely brushing against his.

_For thine is the kingdom,_

 

He felt Dev's lips brushing against his, soft and tantalizing, and he was overwhelmed, utterly overwhelmed, by the gentleness with which Dev kissed him.

 

_and the power, and the glory,_

His touch was worshipful, loving, pure.

 

_for ever and ever._

He tried to remember that this was wrong.

He tried to hold on to what he had been taught to believe. But he couldn't. Dev's lips demanded his full attention, demanded to be kissed in return. Dev pressed his searing body against Shawn's, pushing him up against the cold stone. Dev's tongue gently began to lick Shawn's bottom lip, and Shawn started to wonder whether maybe, just maybe...

Maybe this wasn't such a sin at all.

 

_Amen._


	4. guide me, father

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **trigger warning:** internalised homophobia

Shawn was kneeling, eyes closed, lips brushing against his hands as he prayed. He'd made a habit of staying in church longer on days where he knew Dev would pick him up. He would wait until the hollow echoing of his choir mates leaving had died down. He would walk through the church, listen to the deafening silence in the house of god and kneel at the steps leading up to the altar. He would look up at the heavy cross and begin his prayer.

He knew it was quite futile to hope that God would forgive him if he showed enough piety. He couldn't fathom  _not_ praying for forgiveness. He prayed, mouthing the familiar litany of it. The silent words fell from his lips, hung in the quiet of church and rose. He imagined them clinging to the stone walls, every  _please_ , every  _forgive me_ , every word asking for guidance caught by the cold walls. They were a barrier, a wall between him and God. They would never permit his words, his sinner's intentions to taint the ear of God. Cold sweat broke out on his hands as his mind stuttered through his prayer.

He frowned and squeezed his eyes shut when the insultingly loud revving of an engine permeated through the thick church doors and broke through the haze of his agonizing thoughts. He opened his eyes as the engine revved again. He broke off his prayer, the last words of it dying on his lips. It sent a pang of pain echoing through his chest. He pushed his darker thoughts aside, burying them in the foundations of the church and brushed the dust off his knees. He waited until they stopped aching from the cold stone floor before starting towards the door.

He was almost at the door when he froze and turned back to face the altar. He crossed himself, sighed, opened the door and came to an abrupt halt as soon as he stepped outside. A black 1967 Chevy Impala was parked at the foot of the church stairs. As Shawn heard the heavy wood door fall shut behind him the driver's door opened and a black-haired boy stepped out. With one flowing motion, he swept the hair from his face and turned to Shawn. The odd eyes of the driver pulled at Shawn's heart as his hand instinctively shot to the cross around his neck. Dev's eyes followed Shawn's hand as he dug in his pocket for his pack of cigarettes. Dev lit up and leaned against the car door. He took a deep drag and fixed his gaze on Shawn before blowing the smoke out. The seconds seemed to stretch as Dev simply stared at him. Shawn let go of his silver cross, took a deep breath that did nothing to calm his pounding heart and walked towards Dev. Shawn stopped when he was standing right in front of Dev who cocked his head to one side in silent questioning. Shawn's eyes darted to the car and back to Dev.

"Are we- should I- I mean..." he stuttered as he gestured to the car. Dev dropped the cigarette stub, blew out the smoke from his last drag and rasped a shiver inducing "Get in Angelface," before opening his car door and climbing into the car. Shawn took hurried steps to the passenger's side and opened the door. The car door closing sounded awfully loud in Shawn's head and its sound seemed to echo as Dev drove them out of the suburb.

 

* * *

 

 

Dev stepped out of the car and walked to the no doubt century old oak. Shawn closed his eyes and counted to five before joining Dev. He chastised his heart for stuttering at the sight of Dev nonchalantly leaning against the tree. The corner of Dev's mouth pulled into the shadow of a smile and beckoned Shawn to join him. For a moment, they stood face to face. Dev observed Shawn keenly causing a deep blush to stain his cheeks. When Dev reached up to touch Shawn's red cheek, Shawn's mind came to a screeching halt. He wasn't ready yet, he couldn't – it was too intimate a gesture and Shawn couldn't let him. He took a careful step out of Dev's reach and watched as the light in Dev's eyes shuttered.

He walked around the old oak tree, as if he were appreciating it.  But he was too focused on the harsh beating of his heart to really take it in. His fingers grazed the tough bark as he lost himself in the frantic beating of his pulse. He jumped when Dev caught his fingers and pulled Shawn between his legs, trapping him against Dev's body. Shawn tried to avoid the jarringly beautiful eyes but Dev caught his chin between his hands and forced Shawn to look at him. The odd eyes of the boy peered into Shawn and he felt naked under the scrutiny, as though Dev could hear Shawn's heart screaming for more and his brain yelling to get a grip.

"Why did you bring me here?" Shawn whispered his gaze dropping to where their chests were pressed together. Dev shrugged.

"It's the only place I know God isn't watching." At his words Shawn tore his eyes from to look at his eyes, he had expected Dev to mock him for his faith, yet Dev had a strangely sincere glint in his eyes. Shawn awkwardly shifted his weight from one foot to the other all too aware of his body rubbing against Dev's.

Dev wet his lips and Shawn couldn't push down the hitch in his breathing as he focused on Dev's glistening lips. Shawn barely registered the smirk flitting over Dev's features before Dev crashed his mouth against Shawn's. The chain around his neck, felt cold against his burning skin as Dev pressed Shawn flush against him. Shawn's breath hitched again at the bruising force with which Dev was gripping Shawn's waist. This felt nothing like the kiss in the church had. This kiss was harsh and almost cruel in its bruising force and Shawn melted against Dev's body. Shawn whimpered against Dev's lips and clutched at the fabric of Dev's jumper hoping it would prevent him from drowning altogether. He hadn't been prepared for this kind of kiss, the hunger in it took Shawn by surprise. He lost himself in the feeling of Dev's lips. His tongue brushed against Shawn's bottom lip and Shawn jerked back. Dev's grip on his chin kept him from putting any kind of significant distance between them. Dev lazily let his eyes travel from Shawn's kiss swollen lips to his eyes, cocking his head in a silent question. And Shawn's heart was beating like a drum in an endlessly contradictory and deafening rhythm of  _Wrong, Right, Wrong, Right, Wrong, Wrong, Right..._  And Shawn had to admit to himself that he was scared. Scared of the sins he burdened his soul with, scared of his parents' disapproval, scared of disappointing Father Bernadino, scared of the magnitude of this  _thing_  between them, scared that there was a  _them_. He couldn't remember much of his first kiss not when his brain was distracted by his devil eyed boy kissing the corner of his mouth. But he was sure that it could never have come close to comparing to this. This felt like a chemical reaction, he was incapable of stopping it, of fighting against it because it felt,  _was_  natural. Dev kissed his jaw, a mockingly chaste kiss compared to before and Shawn wanted more. He barely heard his own words as he spoke over the guilty thundering of his heart.

"You fool, God is always watching." Shawn whispered as his lips brushed against Dev's with every syllable.

_Right, Right, Right, Right, Right, Right._

Dev didn't move for half a lifetime, simply looking into Shawn's eyes, his gaze dropped to Shawn's bruised lips and Dev's thumb pulled the soft flesh down.

"Let him." Dev rasped, looking at Shawn as though waiting for him to shake Dev's hand off. Shawn felt something snap in him, a heartstring or his sanity... most probably both. But he couldn't bring himself to care when he pressed his lips to Dev's. His fingers clenched in Dev's jumper and his eyebrows furrowed in concentration. Dev's hand left his chin and buried itself in his hair, pulling him further against his body. Dev's tongue licked at his lips again and a breath rattled out of Shawn. He didn't pull away, he let Dev lick into his mouth and let him take Shawn apart.

_Right, Right, Right, Right, Right, Right._

Dev was kissing him and Shawn hoped he never stopped. He sighed contentedly as the familiar feeling of his world narrowing to the odd eyed boy washed over him. In this moment, in this man's arms, under those bruisingly soft lips, Shawn felt whole.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is always appreciated! :) i know this isn‘t a very exciting chapter it’s really more of a filler but i wanted to post smth cause it’s been a while...  
> hope you liked it!
> 
>  
> 
> I MAY CHANGE MY USERNAME GUYS JUST A HEADS UP


	5. i am regretless, father

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **trigger warning:** internalised homophobia

_Hot breath is gasped between them as Dev's fingers twisted into Shawn's hair. Shawn's fingers brushed against Dev's throat as he buried his hands in the soft wool jumper Dev wore. His skin was oh so warm and Shawn yearned to feel more of it. He was so cold. The phantom cold of the church was still whispering in his bones and writhing around his spine. He wanted to forget it was there. He wanted to ignore the sharp, torturing needle pricks of pain he felt when he caught himself thinking of Dev. He wanted to forget how ashamed he_ should _feel at enjoying a man's touch but didn't; which in turn did make sickeningly thick shame rise in him. A light autumn breeze brushed against the back of his neck and brought him a cloying smoky-sweet scent he was all too familiar with. Frankincense, it always clung to him after service or choir practice. He went rigid. The cold kept creeping through him, freezing his joints and wrapping like iron around his lungs. Dev rose a questioning brow and leaned back, their chests no longer pressed flush together. Shawn whimpered as his torso was now utterly at the ice's mercy. He moved into Dev - chasing his warmth - who seemed increasingly confused. "What the-" the gravel in his voice smoothed over the rising hackles of an emotion that felt too much like panic. "'m cold." He mumbled leaning further into Dev's body. The iron around his lungs loosened and the gasped rush of air he swallowed down left him light headed. Leather, soap, acrid smoke, he breathed it in hungrily, sharp and fresh and bitter. Not heavy and cloying and sweet. His head was resting against Dev's broad shoulder and he edged his face closer to Dev's neck. His nose pressed into the warm skin and a breathy sigh left him as the entirety of Dev filled his senses._

_"You good?" the words vibrated in Dev's throat. Shawn nuzzled Dev's neck as he tried to nod without having to lean away from the warmth that was slowly thawing the paralysing ice. "Need a minute." Shawn's voice was barely more than a whisper._

_"Wanna leave?" Shawn's gut tightened at Dev's words. He didn't. His time with Dev was limited as he was and he didn't want to see it cut short. So he just closed his eyes and rubbed his nose in Dev's neck. Dev's hand brushed the curls off his forehead and pressed a kiss to his skin. Warmth seemed to bloom from that inch of kissed skin. Shawn pried his eyes open. Dev carried a warmth with him that Shawn was desperate for. The revelation burst through him igniting his blood with a frenzied need._ More _, he wanted,_  needed _to feel more of that warmth._

_"Kiss me." He said breathlessly, his head rose, so close to Dev's he could see a single golden speck in the iris of his near black eye. Dev frowned at him._

_"Why don't we just stay here like this for a while..." He mumbled a hint of concern in his voice. Shawn shook his head, his eyes dropping to Dev's slightly swollen lips. "Kiss me." He whispered again. "Look, I don't know what the fuck just happened but..." The rest of his words died on Shawn's lips as he kissed Dev. Dev groaned after an instant and finally wrapped his arms around Shawn, pulling him closer and let Shawn kiss him._

_"What's going on in your pretty head angelface?" Dev murmured against his lips. Shawn's eyes fell shut, the cold in his muscles hurt less, the pain only a dull ache, if he could just-_

_"Wanna feel." He breathed between kisses. "Want to be warm. Please, please." His hands closed almost convulsively on Dev's jumper as he pulled away an inch. He looked up at Dev and whispered one last_ please _. Dev sighed and pressed his forehead against Shawn's._

_"Okay, baby. I'll take care of you." He pressed a kiss to Shawn's aching lips. "I'll make you feel warm." His lips brushed against Shawn, the earth stopped turning for one eternal second and then his tongue brushed against Shawn's lower lip and Shawn's knees liquefied as Dev's tongue slipped into his mouth._

The cold of the holy water creeps into Shawn's bones, whispering through his body in a familiar way as though welcoming him back, when he dips his fingers into the font.

He shivers.

 _Dev sucked on the tip of Shawn's tongue and heat curled down Shawn's spine. Dev's tongue licked into Shawn's mouth and Shawn saw stars. The kiss was soft and warm and tasted of tar and Shawn melted against Dev. Shawn could almost_ feel _his lips bruising as Dev kissed him. He pulled back to suck in a breath and his lips tingled as the memory of Dev's lips moving, coaxing, kissing his, cemented itself into every cell of Shawn's body. His eyes were closed, his lips slightly parted as he committed every detail of the kiss to memory. But they flew open when he felt Dev's teeth nipping his bottom lip. A choked gasp escaped him when Dev let out what sounded like a pleased hum. Shawn was incredibly glad for the tight hold he had on the leather jacket Dev was wearing._

_"You bruise so damn easy. Gotta be more careful," he muttered as he brushed his lips against Shawn's again and skimmed them along his jaw._

_"Don't. I- it's- I think I enjoy it?" His tongue tripped over the words and his cheeks burned. Shawn had trouble focusing on forming sentences when Dev grazed his throat with his teeth before licking over the spot._

The Trinitarian formula turns his tongue to lead as he dutifully recites the words.

 _"Let's find out what else you like, okay?" Dev whispered into his ear. Each word_ dripping _with sinful insinuation and Shawn barely managed a nod as his fingers dug themselves into the thick black leather jacket. Dev looked into his eyes. His pupils were blown wide, eclipsing the colours Shawn found so beautiful. He closed his eyes when Dev kissed him. He was teasing Shawn, deepening the kiss only to pull back and barely brush against Shawn's lips. His fingers curled into Dev's jumper and he let out a frustrated moan. Dev chuckled against his lips and Shawn felt an embarrassed flush spread on his cheeks but then Dev was licking into his mouth and his tongue was brushing his and Shawn felt slightly faint again._

His hand shakes as he crosses himself. He smooths down his shirt and his heart stutters; instead of the crisp cotton of his shirt, he feels the warm heavy knit of Dev's jumper under his fingertips. 

 _Dev nudged his legs apart with his combat booted foot and Shawn drew his eyebrows together in confusion. Dev tugged on his hair and the rushing in Shawn's ears got louder. Shawn gasped for air and Dev started mouthing at his neck. Kissing and licking and nipping and working his way down. He pressed a kiss to the base of Shawn's neck and slowly worked his way back up up, he kissed under Shawn's chin, his jaw, his cheek and finally finally his mouth again. Dev tasted less of tar and Shawn couldn't help the moan when he thought that maybe now he in turn tasted of tar and of Dev. The cold withdrew from his bones and Shawn moaned as he_ finally _felt warm. His knees brushed against the soft earth and he dazedly opened his eyes. Dev had slid them down so that he was sitting against the tree's trunk and Shawn- oh. Shawn was in Dev's lap, knees on either side of his waist. Heat spread through Shawn's body, suffocating, unbearable heat._

The cool stone of the church floor bruises his knees and the cold seeping through his clothes makes him shudder.

_Shawn shifted on his lap and froze. His eyes widened and he snapped his head up to look at Dev. And his heart lurched. Dev's lip was twitching in what could only be his signature smirk as he lazily looked at Shawn._

_"You didn't think you were the only one enjoying yourself did you, Angelface?" he rasped, voice throatier, raspier and resonating through Shawn's bones. He bent forward and licked the corner of Shawn's mouth._

_"I didn't think- I hadn't- well... eh... you see," What was it about Dev that made him unable to form a normal sentence? He took a deep breath and tried to get his brain to work the way it was supposed to._

_"I didn't think that you liked me uhm... like_ that _..." He looked at his hands, still fisting Dev's poor jumper._

 _"Angelface," Dev lifted Shawn's face and forced him to look into the disparaging eyes he loved so much. The almost-black-brown reflected Shawn's wide-eyed embarrassment. "I definitely like you like_ that _. If you let me, imma show you all the horrible and_ devilish _things I wanna do to you. And you'd love every second of it," he kissed the shell of Shawn's ear, "I'll take my sweet time with you. I'll kiss every fucking inch of you and you'll be singing my name Angelface," Shawn's cheeks burned in guilty delight. He gasped when Dev bit his earlobe. His lips brushed against Dev's jaw and Shawn felt curiosity bubbling up in him. Could he get a reaction similar to his own when Dev had kissed his jaw? He brushed his lips against the slight scruff of Dev's jaw. A growl rumbled out of Dev, and his hands on Shawn's hips tightened. "Fucking hell... I'll leave bruises on that perfect body of yours. Mark you all over and every time you see 'em you'll get all hot and bothered cause you'll be remembering my lips on your body." His skin felt too tight, he was suffocating. He wanted more, more, more. His hips rocked against Dev of their own volition. His fingers dug into Dev's hair as he breathed the words against Shawn's lips. "You'll be thinking about me biting and licking and tasting your skin. You'll be- fuck. You'll be remembering how much you fucking loved me kissing you. Fuckin' hell Angelface," he felt drunk, lightheaded and faint. Shawn knew he was making noises, was moaning and he wasn't even sure he understood was Dev was saying only that he wanted it, he wanted Dev and he wanted them. He wanted them to taste of each other, to smell of each other and to feel each other._

He clears his throat, shifts his weight and takes out his rosary. 

_Shawn's mind blanked when Dev's fingers tightened their hold on his hip and his chest was pressed to Dev's. His devil boy was so warm and he smelled of cigarettes and leather and soap and Shawn couldn't not lean in further. He uncurled a shaking hand from Dev's jumper and shyly brushed against Dev's throat. His fingers tangled in Dev's black hair as he rocked his hips forward. Dev's fingers inched under his coat, toying with the hem of his shirt. Shawn let out a pleading sound for which he would be embarrassed about later._

Cold sweat beads on his forehead.

_"Shh... I got you baby. Promised you. 'M making you feel," Dev breathed against his lips and then he was kissing Shawn again. His fingers slipped under his shirt and his hand splayed on the bare skin of Shawn's back and Shawn could feel waves of heat pour from Dev's hand and sink into his skin. Dev's left hand unclenched Shawn's fingers from his jumper and guided them under it. His muscles jumped under Shawn's curious fingers. He mapped Dev's body with his hand, committing the feel of his skin to memory. A rush of electricity races up his spine at the feel of strength and power lying just beneath the warm surface of Dev's skin._

He feels faint. 

_His fingers tingled when they brushed over Dev's puckered nipple and Dev groaned against his lips. He felt heat curling down his spine, winding and tightening low in his belly. His whimpers were swallowed by Dev's hungry mouth. He helped Shawn rock his hips, applying pressure to his waist and rolling his own hips up into Shawn's. Sparks danced behind Shawn's eyelids._

His hand drops to the stone and he heaves. Air, stifflingly dusty air fills his lungs. He forces them to expand, wills the frankincense to purge his cells.

 _"I got you Angelface, I got you," Dev rasped between kisses, each word searing Shawn's lips. Dev's tongue slid against his and Shawn's hips stuttered and Shawn felt so good, so wonderfully_ good _. The pressure at the bottom of his spine kept building, kept winding tighter. He whined against Dev's lips and relished in Dev's moans. His mind was blissfully quiet and all he felt was Dev. He only felt his lips bruising against Shawn's, his tongue curling and licking against his own. Only felt Dev's muscles jumping and tightening under Shawn's fingers, Dev's hand digging into Shawn's skin. Only felt their bodies pressed against each other, grinding into Dev, Dev grinding into him. He was too breathless to kiss Dev now. He could barely get his lungs to expand enough to breathe. Yet... somehow breathing didn't seem as crucial as touching and feeling Dev. Their foreheads were pressed together as they rolled their hips into each other. Dev kissed his throat, careful not to leave hickeys, he licked the juncture of Shawn's jaw._

His eyes pleadingly rise to Jesus on the Cross. He breathes in a hitched, gasped, pained way. He stumbles to his feet and blindly walks to the small confessional. The door shuts behind him with an echoing screech of finality. He leans his head against the cool wood and waits. 

 _"Come on Angelface, let go for me. I know you want to. Just let go," Dev's raspy whisper was pure temptation. Dev gently bit Shawn's lip and Shawn's body shuddered as his orgasm kept building. Higher, higher, higher. His lips parted and Dev licked his swollen bottom lip and the rubber band of his orgasm finally snapped and Shawn's heart skipped several beats and a gasped_ oh, oh, oh  _were his only words as he lost himself in the strength of his orgasm. And he feels so alone in the swirling, powerful, all consuming darkness of his orgasm but Dev's eyes, his eyes hold him, tether him to the material world. Those beautiful, beautiful eyes held Shawn as his orgasm tore through him. His heart started beating again, and he gulped in a big cold lungful of air._

_Dev pressed innocent kisses to Shawn's swollen lips. He hadn't noticed he was crying until he tasted salt on Dev's lips._

_"Why you crying Angelface?" Dev's voice felt like a caress stroking Shawn's body._

_"I don't regret it." Shawn whispered as if afraid that saying out loud the horrible truth would cause the earth to split open and swallow him and his sins whole._

_A sad, heartbroken and pitying smile flitted over Dev's features._

_"I took it too far, too quickly. 'm sorry Sugar. We'll go real slow from here on out, okay?"  He gently kissed Shawn's salty cheek, and got them standing._

_"Come on baby, I'll drive you home," he said and held out his hands. Shawn hesitated, his skin itched to feel Dev's warm hand wrapping around his but he could form coherent thoughts again. And he had- oh dear God, he was now truly beyond salvation. A rush of fresh tears fell from his eyes and blurred his vision._

_He jerked when two searingly warm hands cupped his cheeks and made him look up. Dev didn't say anything simply looked at him. His eyes were so comforting in their unsettling familiarity that Shawn let out a sigh, nodded and let Dev lead him back to his car._

  
  
"Bless me father for I have sinned and I- I can't seem to find it in me to regret it. I know I have to. This sin it's- Father, I- the  _devil_  is in me, Father. I can't- I-" Shawn spoke, tripping over his words.

"Calm yourself child, unburden your soul. God will forgive," the calming voice of Father Bernadino permeated through the wood of the confessional. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I LOST MY BETA READER AND MY FRIENDS ARE ALL PRETTY BUSY SO I'M SORRY FOR ANY MISTAKES AND FOR THE SUBPAR QUALITY PLEASE FORGIVE ME  
> (this is also the longest chapter yet ^.^)
> 
> feedback would be fucking great since no one else has time to give me some *wails*
> 
> oh and i dedicate this chapter to blonde who's truly wonderful words boosted my confidence and made me write this chapter just a little faster


	6. i need a sign, father

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **trigger warning:** internalised homophobia, hate crime, graphic violence, homophobia, broken bones, blood
> 
> i just need to clarify that i'm not using violence and hate crimes to further the plot. This is part of why i started writing this fic. I use this fic to accuse this behaviour that justifies hatred. This is me condemning their actions.

_“God teaches us to love, my son. His is the gospel of love,” Shawn mulled over the patient words Father Bernadino had spoken._

He trudged home, turning each word Father Bernadino had said over and over and over yet again. He was confused. How could he reconciliate the teachings of the bible, of his community, of his  _family_  with what Father Bernadino had told him in the confessional?

Absentmindedly his hand reached for the silver around his neck. He shot a look at the sky.

“Just give me a sign. Is it wrong, or is it right? Please Father, I  _need_  a sign,” he whispered. His breath condensed in the cold autumn air and he hunched his shoulders as he made his way home.

 

* * *

 

He pulled his keys from his coat, fumbling in the growing darkness to open the gate to his house. He only heard a shouted “NOW!” before pain bloomed in his back. He was too stunned by the pain to think of protecting his face as a hand smashed it against a picket of the garden fence. He barely had time to brace himself for the pain before he was thrown on the asphalt.

Pain shot through his face, he smelled iron, blood,  _his_  blood. Feet connected with his stomach, he thought his wrist had bent in a strange way as he curled in on himself and held his hand to his chest. He was only distantly aware of the blows raining down on him. He barely registered the crack of his ribs. He barely felt the slicing of a knife into his leg.

All he was aware of were the words. Horrible, hateful words.

A foot connected with his back, forcing the air out of his lungs. It was as though his ribs had collapsed in on themselves.

He heard a shout. His father’s voice. Shawn closed his eyes against the tears.

The sign he’d hoped for, waited for. Here it was.

Shawn bowed his head and let out a single sob as his father yelled for his mother to call an ambulance. His last thought was that Father Bernadino must have been wrong, for what was this if not a sign of His displeasure? 


	7. bless me father and all that crap

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **trigger warning:** mentions of violence

“Wasn’t the Scorps,” Randy’s booming voice carried through the empty warehouse. Jo was right behind him but she walked away from Dev and towards her boyfriend, James who carefully kissed her bruised face.

Dev lit two cigarettes and offered one to Randy who was wrapping a torn shirt around his busted knuckles as he walked towards Dev. He nodded a thank you and took a drag from it as he sat on the cold floor next to Dev. Dev fixed his gaze on Randy’s hands and raised an eyebrow. Randy’s satisfied chuckle echoed through the building.

“They’re asses but they’re weak asses. Cried like fuckin’ babies,” he mumbled as he flexed his hand experimentally. Dev stayed silent.

“Look man, I don’t know for sure who beat up the choir boy but it wasn’t any of the gangs. Jo and I checked everyone - Em says hi by the way – why would any gang beat up your man but then not yell it from the fucking rooftops? None of this shit makes sense,” he spoke quietly as he smoked. Dev hummed in agreement. Randy reached into his jacket and pulled out a bottle of whiskey.

“I’m getting too old for this beating people up business,” he complained half-heartedly as he rolled his shoulders. But Dev knew Randy had a taste for dispensing justified violence. In another life where he’d have been able to finish school, Randy would have become a lawyer. But his mom had raised him and his seven siblings alone on a minimum wage after her husband died in the line of duty. Randy, as the oldest had quit high school and taken on part time jobs so that his sisters could continue their education. Dev sighed, life was a fucking shit show sometimes.

“You’re only a year older than me dude,” he said instead, fixing his eyes on his boots.

“That’s right and twenty-five is too freaking old to be beating up crying bastards about my not-boss’s not-even-boyfriend! I’m telling you it was those freak church goers. You know those ‘God said man will not lie with man’ fucktards? I’d bet on it.” he took another swig of whiskey.  

“Yeah…” Dev exhaled in a whisper of smoke and leaned back against the wall.

 

* * *

 

Footsteps echoed through the building and Dev and Randy’s heads shot up at the bouncing gait that was unquestionably Marlene’s. Dev sat up a little straighter and waited for her to speak.

“I broke into his room while his parents were talking to the police. Man, they fucking destroyed your boyfriend. Six busted ribs, sliced up thigh, broken cheekbone, wrist gone to hell, head trauma and organ bruises…” she shook her head slowly and Dev’s lungs constricted. “Shawn was knocked out so I just read his chart, apparently he hasn’t even regained consciousness yet. They’re keeping him under for another day or two. His parents wanna file charges apparently ‘cause he won’t be able to finish his semester. Did you know Christian colleges are a thing?” her slightly upturned nose wrinkled in disgust. She reached for the whiskey in Randy’s hand, muttered a few more curses before downing the alcohol.

“Sliced?” the word coated Dev’s tongue with ash.

Marlene seemed to hesitate.

“Yeah, they uh… they fucking _carved_ into him with a fucking kitchen knife,” she spit out with thinly veiled anger and Dev’s stomach roiled at the thought. His hand flexed, his fingers were tingling with the memory of Shawn’s smooth, warm skin. He grit his teeth against a rising wave of nausea at the thought of cuts and bruises marring Shawn. Randy was swearing up a storm next to him and Marlene was looking at Dev with a strange expression on her pretty face. Annoyance rose in him and he worked his jaw to try to ease the building tension.

“Fucking church freaks. God is such a douche,” Randy muttered.

“That isn’t God,” Dev rasped as he got up.

“I always forget your mama raised you as a Christian,” Marlene muttered, disgust in her voice.

“Yeah well this isn’t what it’s supposed to be about,” he snapped at the hint of accusation in her voice. “It’s supposed to be about forgiveness and loving or some shit. It’s not supposed to be about fucking carving people up,” Dev shoved his hands into his pockets and turned away from the stunned faces of his friends. His long steps carried him deeper into the warehouse.

“I’ve never heard him speak so much,” Randy’s low voice echoed off the bare concrete walls.

“Three whole fucking sentences. Jesus,” Marlene sounded almost shocked. Dev shook his head, he couldn’t help but think of the hour long talks with Shawn, the rides in his car, the slow walks to Shawn’s house after practice. He’d never felt tongue tied around Shawn. His half smile turned into a frown as he thought of Marlene’s words. _Bruised organs_. He really wanted to visit Shawn, but something that felt all too much like guilt kept him from going to the hospital. He finished off his cigarette, climbed into his car and turned the ignition. He wasn’t exactly sure where he was going but he didn’t care as long as he didn’t have to look into Marlene’s pitying eyes or see Randy’s worried expression. _Shattered bones_. His hands tightened around the steering wheel, the tires squealed and he drove off.  

 

* * *

 

The car slowed to a stop. Dev snorted in disbelief. He propped himself against the car door and looked at the building before him. Of _course_ , of all the possible places. Of _course_ , he’d end up here. He looked at the church for a moment. He scratched his jaw, cursed and walked up the uneven steps. The door creaked close behind him and a chill raced down his back. He waited by the entrance as his eyes adjusted to the ill lit church. It was all dark wood and near black stone, six ornate stone pillars supported the vaulted ceiling. They were set in two rows on either side of the aisle and were carved to resemble creatures with fangs, wings and talons.

Only the statue of Jesus on the Cross was painted with gold and white. Dev’s mouth turned down into a sneer. He scooped some holy water from the font near the door and drank it. _Bless me, Father and all that crap._ He walked down the main aisle keeping his eyes trained on Jesus on the Cross beyond the altar, his heavy boots echoing in the accusing silence of the church. He reached the altar, stopped, climbed on the marble surface and stood. Jesus was only a short distance from Dev and his face was frozen in an expression of agony. Dev stuffed his hands in his pockets and grit his teeth.  Dev stared at the statue for a what felt like hours. As if, provided Dev gave it the time, the painted wood could provide some answer, some explanation for the pain and violence that had been dispensed in his name.

“I hate you,” he whispered, after an eternity of silence. Jesus merely looked at him with pleading eyes.

“Tell me, my boy, what has Our Saviour done to incur your hate and wrath?” a soft voice came from behind Dev. His back stiffened and when he slowly turned around, an old man was sitting in the first row of benches left of the main aisle. An amused smile played at the corners of his lips and Dev bristled but kept quiet.

“Come now, I am an old man. A young man in leather boots is standing on my church altar! This is the most excitement I’ve had since one of the altar boys set my cassock on fire during service,” he said when Dev still didn’t speak.

Dev’s eyebrow rose. He turned to look at the statue of Jesus once more before jumping from the altar and walking closer to the old priest. He propped his foot on the open jaw of the monster carved into one of the stone pillars and looked at the man, assessing him carefully.

“God is a liar and Jesus is an idiot. Humans didn’t deserve to be absolved of their sins,” he rasped finally and walked towards the church entrance not in the mood to talk to a smiling old priest.

“What of a shy choir boy? Does he not deserve absolution?” the priest said as Dev reached the door.

Dev turned to Father Bernadino, reached into his pocket and took out a cigarette. He slowly put it between his lips, lit it and took a deep drag from it.

“Shawn doesn’t need absolution. _He_ isn’t the sinner here,” he said.

The priest muttered an _indeed_ and smiled slowly.

“Do not blame God for man’s shortcomings, young man. He does not condone hate. ‘ _Thou shalt_ _love thy neighbour_ _as thyself. On these two_ _commandments_ _hang all the law and the prophets._ ’ Man seems to conveniently forget this as he hates what he refuses to understand,” his mouth drew into a sad smile, he turned around and faced the altar.


	8. are you there father?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *5000 years later*
> 
>  **trigger warning:** broken bones, bruises, extensive wounds, aftermath of hate crime, hospitals, ptsd

To say Dev was apprehensive to step into the room into which he knew Shawn had been brought was an understatement. His hands felt clammy, his forehead sweaty, and he felt ready to throw up at any given minute. He wasn't used to the blend of apprehension, anguish and anger he felt.

Before Shawn had quite literally stumbled into his life, Dev's emotion of choice had been  _annoyed_. Marlene and Randy had continuously bothered him about being so surly and in hindsight he had been incredibly ill tempered. But never had he felt this confusing jumble of emotions that seemed to flow through his veins and numb his body.

He looked at the hospital bed, a heart monitor beeping softly and Shawn's back facing him. The light in the small bathroom was on and Dev could see Shawn's bruised face reflected in the bathroom mirror.

"I can see you, you know?" Shawn's voice sounded hollow and scratchy and Dev felt sick at how different it sounded from the soft and forgiving voice he had gotten used to.

Dev shifted on his feet.

"I just," he cleared his throat, "I wanted to see how you were doing is all..." He bit his lip.

Shawn let out a humourless chuckle.

"Haven't you done enough?" He turned to face Dev and his stomach turned. A long gash, parted Shawn's left cheek, curving from below his eye to his upper lip.

Dev's skin turned to ice and he heard himself let out a sound.

"I-" He couldn't form words. He was rooted to the floor. Marlene had told him that Shawn's injuries had been extensive and would leave scars. But picturing Shawn in a hospital bed with broken bones didn't come close to  _seeing_  the pain that had been inflicted.

Shawn's eyes were shuttered, closed off as though all emotions had been locked behind bars and Dev felt it like a punch to the gut. He should have taught Shawn self-defense. He shouldn't have left Shawn alone. He should have  _known_.

He took a step towards Shawn, the younger boy merely tracking his movements with his eyes. When Dev stood next to Shawn, his fingers itching with the need to comfort him, he could finally see the bruises littering Shawn's skin. He fought a wave of nausea. His fingers made to brush a stray curl from Shawn's forehead. But Shawn cringed away, whispering a "please don't" and averting his eyes. Eating hot coals would probably hurt less than hearing the pain lacing his words. Dev let his hand drop, trying to smile at Shawn trying to be comforting when he had been utterly useless so far.

"I... brought you some chocolate. Uhm your favourite?" Shawn extended a bandaged hand and quietly took the chocolate. The chocolate was half melted from being in Dev's pocket for so long, but Shawn didn't seem to care and Dev felt ice spread though his veins.

He remembered how Shawn had told him about his favourite flavour a few weeks ago, how his cheeks had blushed faintly when Dev traced the warmth of his cheeks with his fingertips. He remembered how happy Shawn had been when Dev handed him his favourite chocolate just three weeks ago, he had smiled dazzlingly at Dev and offered him a piece.

Now? Shawn barely blinked. Blinding rage filled Dev, and he had to breathe through his nose to calm himself. Shawn mumbled something under his breath, but Dev couldn't hear him beyond the rushing in his ears. Dev had to ask Shawn to repeat himself who murmured, barely audibly, "Could you  _please_  leave?" and Dev's chest caved in.

Shawn looked at him then, really looked at him not through him liked he seemed to have been doing since Dev stepped into his room.

"I'm just-just not ready for this," He continued even as Dev nodded.

Dev turned to walk out, unable to utter another word, and ran smack into a small middle-aged woman.

"Oh goodness!" She exclaimed as Dev reached for her before she fell. He righted her making sure she was alright and apologised profusely. When he noticed the resemblance between Shawn and this woman he felt about ready to die.

"Don't worry dear, I'm quite alright. Are you a friend of Shawn's?" she asked. Dev blinked at her, still focused on the fact that he had almost toppled Shawn's mother.

"Ah! Mrs. Mendes! I see you found him. This is my friend Dev, the self-defense instructor I was telling you about." Randy said as he rounded the corner to stand next to Mr. and Mrs. Mendes. "He'll be teaching your son once the docs clear him for physical ed."

 _What_?

 

 

 


	9. put me through hell, father

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **trigger warning:** post traumatic stress, internalised homophobia, mention of wounds and physical injury, hurt character
> 
>  
> 
> so sorry for the long wait!! the writer's block on this fic nearly ended me

The weeks Shawn spends in the hospital blur together into one endless string of blinding pain in his limbs, slicing pain in his cheek and wrenching pain in his heart. He spends most days praying and sleeping and eating terrible hospital food only to throw it up a few hours later. When he can finally stand on his own two feet again his doctor prescribes light exercise, it’s important apparently to exercise, to keep his motor functions intact. Though really Shawn doesn't see nor understand the point of it.

He’s lost everything.

He’s had to quit college.

He’s had to quit the choir, since his throat had been damaged and it was likely he would never be able to carry a tune again.

He’s told the only person he was able to be completely himself with that he doesn’t want to see him anymore.

He’s numb to the outside world.

When Shawn isn’t sleeping, or praying or trying, painfully, to walk around the corridors he thinks about Dev. No matter what he was thinking about, his thoughts always spiral back towards _him_. They usually creep up on him when he’s just been given another batch of painkillers or when he’s exhausted at the end of the day and the shadows creep longer and darker inching their way towards his bed. His thoughts spiral down, turning darker and more forbidden. Like Dante Alighieri travelling though the Nine Circles of Satan’s Hell Shawn travels through his own Circles of Hell.

 

The First Circle of Hell.

Limbo.

 

He always thinks of his eyes first. Harmless thoughts about the fascinating colours they held. The unflinching ice blue of his left eye with its tiny specks of pure black. The impenetrable near black brown of his right eye, the little ring of golden pigments around his pupil that Shawn had compared to a sun when he’d first noticed it. He remembers how Dev’s eyes had crinkled into a smile at Shawn’s words, how he’d kissed Shawn’s nose, murmuring that he was “impossibly cute”. 

 

The Second Circle of Hell.

Lust.

 

He remembers Dev’s lips, tracing paths down his neck, letting his teeth graze the sensitive skin near his collarbone. He remembers keening into Dev’s touch, letting his skin catch fire under his ministrations, letting himself drown in the sensations he was pulling from Shawn. Skin against skin, lips against lips and only Dev’s eyes to tether him to reality as lust consumed them both.

 

The Third Circle of Hell.

Gluttony.

 

He remembers how insatiable he’d become once he’d had a taste of the bliss he felt with Dev. Touching Dev was a luxury he couldn’t indulge in very often. He’d let his hand brush Dev’s in what he had assumed was a stealthy move. Though in retrospect, he should have known. He should have known that spending so much time with the leader of the neighbourhood’s most notorious gang was bound to attract the community’s attention. He should have been more careful, but he’d simply been so consumed by the safety, the security and the _rightness_ he’d felt with Dev.

 

The Fourth Circle of Hell.

Greed.

 

He remembers how he’d started to neglect his duties in the community. He’d neglected his family, his friends from university, Father Bernadino, everyone around him really. Simply because he’d become greedy for any time he could spend with Dev. When they were together they lived in a different world, in a world beyond faith and loyalty, beyond good and evil, beyond Heaven and Hell. And Shawn was greedy to spend time in it. To feel that weight lift off his chest. To feel that calm that washed over him when Dev’s deep voice rumbled out of his chest and whispered sweet nothings into his hair. He’d wanted it, wanted to spend as much time as possible _in_ it.

 

The Fifth Circle of Hell.

Anger.

 

Shawn has gotten used to the anger that bubbles up, that festers in him. Anger at Dev for being so comfortable with himself that he almost seems to flaunt it. Anger at himself when he has to admit that really, he’s angry at himself. Angry that he cannot be as free as Dev, that he’s too scared to face who he is and that he’s terrified of what would happen should decide to own up to who he is.

 

The Sixth Circle of Hell.

Heresy.

 

Shawn remembers with shame that he had been ready to forsake God for Dev. Worse, in moments of weakness he _had_  forsaken Him. Only to shamefully return home, clutching the cold silver cross that burns around his neck and pray to be taken back by God. Hoping desperately that it wasn’t too late for him, that he still stood a chance.

 

The Seventh Circle of Hell.

Violence.

 

He remembers. He still _feels_ the violence of his feelings. All-consuming and violently passionate, the yearning he’d felt, the sheer relief of being touched by Dev when he hadn’t been able to see him for a few days had almost been suffocating in its potency.

 

 

The Eighth Circle of Hell.

Fraud.

He is ashamed of how he pretended, how he still pretends to be a good Christian, how he pretends to not know why he was attacked. His parents asked him if he had gotten himself into any trouble. If he knew why he had been attacked, if he had any idea as to why this _violence_ had been inflicted upon him. He swore up and down he had no idea why he’d been attacked. He feels like an impostor, like a fraud.

 

The Ninth Circle of Hell.

Treachery.

 

What probably turns his stomach the most is how he lies not only to himself and his loved ones but to himself. He can’t bring himself to face the truth. His truth. The only truth that wretches him apart and sit on his chest like a devil and threatens to smother him in his sleep. He pretends he doesn’t care for Dev. He pretends he doesn’t feel anything for him. He pretends he’s merely confused, consumed by unsettling and tangled emotions that aren’t his. He pretends to be someone he's not. He pretends. 

 

* * *

 

 

A knock on his door startles him. His mother wears a tired smile, he knows she can’t sleep well these days. She worries about him. She walks to his bed, pushes his hair back and kisses his forehead ever so gently. She whispers to him. The doctors think he needs exercise, something about his body getting weak. He doesn’t _feel_ weak, then again, he barely feels anything.

Her mom signed him up for a self-defence class. Something about taking control of his trauma and feeling powerful. Shawn tries to remember when he last felt powerful because it sounds like a foreign word to him. All he sees is Dev, smiling, laughing at something Shawn said.

Shawn squeezes his eyes shut. He tells his mom he’ll do it. He wants to put her at ease. He sees a tear slip down her cheek and he tries to think of a conversation subject. He asks her who his teacher will be.

“Dev Anjo,” she tells him with a smile, thinking she’s given her son a gift. But her son feels the walls cave in on him.


End file.
